How To Get A Potions Master
by Tanit
Summary: Summery Take one secretly graduated 7th year, a snarky professor, sexual tension and plenty of pranks. Mix once clock wise over medium heat, simmer and enjoy. SSHG AU
1. Legal Spill First

1Legal spill first. I do not own the charters in this story. I have also made use of some of the ideas off a web site containing a list called "404 Ways To Piss Snape Off" a list mad by Amanda that can be found at

Stars - Planets - Clocks at Owles Stretching Time hotmail . com (remove spaces to get address)

It has been around for a while now yet is funny every time you read it. The First Prank Is Mine-as far a I thus far know it has never before been used in the form of a prank though it has been used in a story that was well done and imaginative to boot-if you wish to use it than please give credit to either me or the other author who used it first (a name I can not remember for all the rice in china at this moment). And credit shall be given at the bottom of the chapters.

I have read many stories over the last year and may fail to give credit to those who have inspired me. For this you have my deepest and most hart felt apologies and I shall be more than glad to correct it if informed.

I am a horrendous speller and do not have a BETA-if you see major errors I will welcome the help with them. Please forgive me for this problem and recognize that I have improved greatly over the years-yes I was sooomuch worse-but usually spell things phonetically. I have also employed a web- dictionary at

. yourdictionary . com

to help with the problem ;-.

However due to differences in grammar between America, Britain & other English speaking countries if you find my grammar lacking I must request that you specify precisely what I have done wrong & what system you have used to decide this.

And just so you know the difference between spoken and thought words the symbolisem will be as fallowes...  
"Hi"—spoken words.

'Hi'—word for word and current thoughts of an individual.

_Hi_—emphasizes words.

Though I have already written more than half of this story Constructive Criticism is welcome and flames are not. This is my first attempt at any ff. story as well as a HG/SS and while I shall attempt to keep them in charter I may slip, for this I will not apologize, as it will only happen if the story allows for it to be done in a believable way.

Thank you for your patience and understanding in these matters.

Tanit

P.S. I am having trouble using aff and would appreciate any help that can be offered. How does one cause words to appear italic, bolded or underlined anyway?

THIS STORY IS RATED 'M' FOR A REASON IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT DON READ IT

Summery Take one secretly graduated 7th year, a snarky professor, sexual tension and plenty of pranks. Mix once clock wise over medium heat, simmer and enjoy.


	2. Chapter 1: The Catalyst

1HOW TO GET A POTIONS MASTER By Tanit

Chapter 1: The Catalyst

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Hermione stormed through the halls on her way to the Grate Hall with Harry and Ron prancing after her in an attempt to find out what the problem could be. She could literally fell her blood boiling with anger at the audacity of that man. She didn't give one bloody fuck in hell if he was her Professor no one treated her in such a manner and got away with it. And it was time that those at this school learned so.

'One would think that with the fall of the dark lord over the summer that the man would have loosened up on the favoritism but no, he had only seemed to get worse.' Not that she wished for him to change, she quite liked his dry wit and dark sarcasm, perhaps a little too much for her own good. The truth of the matter was she liked him in a strictly non-platonic, throw me over a desk and fuck me hard kind of way.

It had started with the respectful admiration of his intelligence and logic that had prevented her from laughing as her peers had mocked him. She had begun to defend him to her friends after learning about his work for the Order at the end of her fourth year. Silent and unnoticed observation in the two years since had reviled to her a complex and snarky personality with many facets that were hidden behind the snarls and scowls.

But today the bloody man had gone to far. He and over half of the advanced potions class had openly watched as Malfoy had sabotaged her potion, the prick hadn't even bothered to be sneaky about it but had simply walked over to her and dropped lattice wings into her cauldron. He hadn't even waited for her to turn her back to do it either, and Snape had sat there and done nothing to stop it. He had meat her gaze with his piercing onyx orbs and failed her for _lack of effort_.

She had come over the years to expect such childish behaviors form Malfoy, not that he would escape unshaved form this quite the opposite actually. She was not nearly as interested in him realizing that, as in gardening, if you want a problem fixed properly you must a) do it your self and b) go to the rout of the problem for results. Harmony did not thing Professor Sprout would appreciate the comparison yet there it was. A little pruning to the plant it self would not hurt however.

Supper was spent in silent fuming to the displeasure of her friends and house mates. They, unlike the rest of the Wizarding world, had learned over the years to be weary of the brainy Grifindor witch and left her to her own devices. Harry and Ron's dismal attempts at small talk were abruptly cut off when she rose half way through dinner and headed for the front doors without so much as a by your leave.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

A soft glow shown from under the door to the head girls' room far into the night, the only sound was a scratching of quill on parchment and the occasional manic laughter that came for beyond it.

Inside the curly brown head was surrounded by dozens of open books. A small delicate hand flew over the parchments setting down notes at a fevered pace. On the wall a neat chart of all information know about the subjects was laid out on the back of her fax study table—the best hiding places are in plain sight—and the practical application of her plan was being out lined. It would take a month at least to begin phase one of the operation.

Normally Hermione would never give up her precious study time for such activities as this and had she not taken the NEWT's at the end of last year, incase something dreadful were to happen, she would of ignored the glaring biases that was the norms in potions. But she had taken them and passed setting a new record not only at Hogwarts but also through the entire Wizarding community that was ten points above those of Merlin himself. Not that any one knew of this besides the headmaster. They had of course been sealed until she took her regular NEWT's this year at which point the higher results would be released to the public, or upon her untimely death—nothing was going to hold her back as a ghost should this happen and at the time it was an extremely real possibility, especially with the company she chose to keep.

And so the dedication that usually went into her schoolwork was now focused on 'him' and the _project_. O yes Severus Snape would pay dearly.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

I shall attempt to up date the story one a week until I run out of pre  
written material. Should I forget or not have time due to my  
educational responsibilities than pleas grant me leeway in the matter.

I hope you enjoyed.

835 words


	3. Chapter 2: On Muggle Contraptions

1HOW TO GET A POTIONS MASTER By Tanit

Chapter 2: On Muggle Contraptions

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It had arrived two mornings ago, the last and most vital ingredient to phase one. She had received many worried glances in the weeks since the _incident_—as she had come to refer to it—mostly from Ron and Harry who had hesitantly loaned her the map and invisibility clock. She knew they would help her if asked and that was the problem. Plausible deniability was the only thing that would prevent Snape from having them booted out of Hogwarts if she was successful. Snape of course was his usual arrogant, sneeringly shagabul self and completely unaware of the humiliations that was to be visited upon him and his blond pet ferret.

She had put everything into place the night before and now she need only wait and act as if nothing was different. It was hard but if she could fool a room full of Slytherins in fifth year than she could do this. She had insisted that the boys sit with her near the front of the table to ensure optimum viewing of the morning's events.

Just as she was begging to fidget in her place the air was filled with the mornings post. She fought not to stair as the owl made its way to the head table, circled once and dropped a small brown paper package into the plate of a rather annoyed looking Snape.

As the hall settled down others—including the majority of his collies—were begging to cast cruise glances his way and she allowed herself to join them. With narrowed eyes he reached for the package only to have it unwrap as his fingers grazed the tie string. Snatching the hand back his eyes widened as the content began to expand over the table in front of him.

If the sight of an inflating female form clad only in a scrap of Slytherin green on the head table wasn't enough to draw the attention of those assembled than the breathy, distinctly female moans did. The headmaster eyes were twinkling so violently Hermione could have sworn the old man was suffering from a stroke while McGonagall lips were pursed so hared they had nearly disappeared altogether as self-righteous anger burned in her gaze.

Surprisingly enough it was the Slytherins who began to guffaw upon realizing precisely what this particular—obviously muggle—contraption was intended for with the exception of one Draco Malfoy who was glaring at his house mates in disgust. Open mouth shock best described the members of Ravenclaw and the Huflpuff looked deeply disturbed at the mere thought of a professor—let alone Snape—having any sort of _sexual needs_. As for Gryffindor they was a dead split between manic hysteria and unconsciousness as over half the house, a majority of them female had simply a passed out.

Hermione watched as Snape attempted to vanquish his new 'toy' from the hall only to have the moans increase in volume causing dark red spots to form on his high cheekbones. Then just as she thought she could laugh no harder the man stood and grabbed the doll by the neck, intending to remove it and himself from the hall, only to be shocked into dropping it as it screamed out his given name with passion.

Snape stormed from down to his dungeons after gathering what was left of his dignity and the screaming doll.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Classes had passed in such an insanely happy daze for Hermione that day she had barely noticed them at all. Were she to be asked after what they had learned she wouldn't have been able to do little more than shrug. Not that she was worried of course; Charms and Armithesy had lost their challenge long ago.

It was thus that she found herself encased in the quite reassess of the library. Mandy Broocklehurst Terry Boot and Padma Patil from Ravenclaw, Susan Bones and Hanna Abott of Hufflepuff, Dean Thomas, Neville and herself whispering amenity while finishing homework. They completed the advance potions class, minus the Slytherins that is. Harry and Ron, who were currently on the pitch for team practices, were in a newly offered rudimentary seventh year potions and would often join them for help on their standard class materials. The main topic to no surprise-and Hermiones amusement-was this morning's delivery.

"Did you see his reaction to touching it," snickered Hanna.

"Perhaps he's a virgin," suggested Mandy with a shrug. "Would explain quite a bit, that."

"Is it humanly possible?" quipped Terry. "I've had thought not; would account for his horrible mood though."

"Bosh," Hermione sniffed at the absurdity of such thoughts. "Simply because he's never heard a women in the throws of actual passion does not make him pure. Besides I find Malfoy's reaction to be far more disturbing."

"Malfoy, do you think he sent it then?" Susan queried. Being the schools biggest gossip made her keen on finding the culprits of the Professors humiliation, if only to congratulate them.

"Hardly, didn't you see the death glares he was shooting that thing, one could almost say he was jealous." She retorted primly. Shocked silence greeted this statement as her pears digested the new information and disturbing images that came with it.

"That is just wrong," shuttered a rather pale Neville. Worriedly looking around he added, "you don't think that Snape is that way do you?"

"Judging by the bulge he was sporting this morning, I would have to say he is definitely attracted to the fairer sex." Stated Padma nonchalantly. This caused groans from the others girls while Dean, Terry and Neville, who had begun to turn a lovely shade of green, breathed sighs of relief.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

The next morning Malfoy was late arriving to the great hall and poignantly refused to look at the head table, or more precisely Professor Snape. Snape, on the other hand, had seemed more interested in his morning tea than those about him. Maybe he had heard the latest gossip, maybe it hadn't yet reached the staff, or maybe he simply didn't care, either way potions should be fun, Hermione thought as she headed down the dungeon steps.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

The doll was used in another SS story by a talented author whose name  
I can't remember, nor the site from which to get it. –ducks head in  
shame— However I believe that this is the first time it has been used  
as a prank on the poor professor. –chuckles manically at  
possibilities— I will be glad to correct this if it is proven  
otherwise. Please let me know.

1,020 words


	4. Chapter 3: Valentines and Butterflies

1How To Catch A Potions Master By Tianit

Chapter 3: Valentines and Butterflies

**85. Send him Valentines' in August (any month other than Febuary).  
86. To avoid suspicion and create more annoyance, give vague hints in  
these Valentines are from a certain blonde Slytherin.  
216. Tell him to pick on somebody his own size. Stand on your tiptoes  
and suggest yourself.  
297. When he attempts to scare you in class, yawn, look bored and tell  
him you're 'Sorry, but the thrill is just gone.'**

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

It had been a week since the delivery in the Great Hall and word of Malfoy's crush had spread like wildfire around the school. Snape of course acted the same as usual and generally made a complete arse of him self in class.

Hermione reached the hallway just as the Professor was opening the classroom door for the first class of the day. Quickly she fallowed her classmates into the room ensuring that Malfoy was just in front of her, while mentally going over her list of supplies. Hearing the mummers of her fellows she looked up to see an obscenely large valentine propped against the front podium from which lectures were delivered.

The shocking red heart form had to be at least a meter in diameter and two centimeters thick. Delicate pure white lace was gathered in layers along the edges. Now it was a well-known fact that Severus Snape did not allow such frivolity in his classroom, a fact that had been made quite clear in the cupid incident of their second year. One only need glance at the potion master to know that the fact it was currently mid-November was obviously not helping the matter.

Snape had frozen just before it with narrowed eyes and a single raised brow. His usually scowl had transformed into a snarl of barley-suppressed rage. It was then as the door clicked shut beside her and, in a movement so fast it could hardly be seen with the human eye, he had sent a curse at the monstrosity and reviled the true depth of the situation.

A flash of light sent the dark man flying back into the classroom door as a dozen smaller hearts of white, red and pink exploded into the room. Bold white lettering appeared across the expanse of red proclaiming I Love Severus Snape and small green snakes danced around the border.

It had been shear luck that the class had continued on to their sets and were not caught in the cross fire as it were. She and Malfoy were of course the closest to the downed Professor, having seats on the walkway, and so it was no surprise when the blond began to approach him.

"Professor," Draco queried with a trembling voice as approached the black mass at the back of the class room. "Are you all right sir?"

The rest of the class turned at the sound to look at him, most wore expressions that were a mixture of horror and intrigue. In a flash of reflexes Snape was up, wand between the young mans wide eyes as a low growl escaped his throat. Strands of raven hair were falling into his face obscuring his line of vision as he backed the blond down the steps. The class froze, half of them stealthy removing their wands—an after effect of war—just incase an intervention was called for.

"What the bloody hell is this?" Snape rasped between clenched teeth. So he had heard the rumors then, interesting.

"I...I...I..." Draco stuttered as he began to shake. Silently Hermione moved from her position at her worktable to stand on the steep between the door and the two men. She may have wanted to put them in their place, humiliate them as she had been; physical harm was not to be part of the bargain.

"Detention." It was hardly a whisper and yet carried more danger than those present had ever heard before. Rather than lowering his wand the Professor began to advance on the quailed boy. "And if I ever find out you were behind this act of idiocy, I shall make you wish you had never been born." The magical energy rolling off the dark man was terrifying and intense.

"Why don't you pick on some one your own size," said the quite yet clear female voice from behind them, breaking the tension with shear shock. Spinning quickly Snape came face to face with a calm, determined and seemingly fearless Hermione Granger.

"Excuse me Miss. Granger" he rasped raising that delectable brow of his. Draco used the distraction to begin backing away from the obviously dangerous man before him. A look of disbelief and respect flickered across his face before something akin to shock settled there.

"I said, why don't you pick on some one your own size, sir." She stated clearly in what she hoped was a calm voice. She was now only slightly shorter than him and squaring her shoulders decided to stand on her tiptoes so she could look him dead in the eye.

"Like you?" he sneered with obvious disbelief as he pocketed his wand once more. For a moment she was lost in the depths of his fathomless obsidian eyes before stealing herself against it.

"Yes." She stated firmly. Calmly clasping her hands in front of her as she nervously waited for his response. An unrecognizable expression came over him but was quickly replaced with the cold hardness she had become so familiar with.

"Detention, for a week." He hissed while attempting to loom over her. He was obviously trying to bring the situation back under his control but standing on the steep above him made this tactic quite useless as well as rather amusing and in a moment of pure inspiration, stupidity and courage she surprised even herself by yawned loudly while stretch an arm over head.  
"Sorry sir," she quipped in an even voice while trying to ignore the thundering that was her heart. "But the thrill is just gone."

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

News of class events had spread by suppertime and those who hadn't heard of it by then were quickly informed. The news about Snapes valentine his near violent attack on Draco Malfoy and the now hart filled classroom-causing the cancellation of potions until the situation could be remedied-was nearly overshadowed by the fact that Hermine Granger—the schools head girl and all around rule loving bookworm—had spoken back to Professor Snape who had been rendered speechless for nearly ten minutes before deducting a hundred house points and assigning another week of detention. (ruuuuuuuun on sentence K)

The point loss had earned her a few disgruntled looks form her house mates but most were so in awe of both what she had done and the fact that she was still among the living to be to bother by it. The fact that she had already earned back half of them also helped.

"I told you she was mental" Ron whispered to Harry as they were filled in to the day's events. Harry mutely nodded as he stared at the bushy haired girl across from them. Hermine rolled her eyes and returned to her plate of supper. She had detention in little less than twenty minutes and didn't want to be late.

"I wonder where Snape is," Harry said as he too returned to the task at hand.

"Most likely sulking in his dungeons," Ron quipped returning to his meal as well.

She ignored them and covertly watched Malfoy as she finished her meal, determined to reach the dungeons before the Slytherin if only to prevent further point deduction for 'tardiness'. Noting the ferret preparing to leave, she quickly downed her pumpkin juice and left the dining hall.

Descending the steps, she could barely hear Malfoy's hurried steps as he quietly caught up to her, she tensed. Surprisingly he didn't push her out of the way, insult or attempt to hex her but rather fell into steep beside her. Shocked she was attempting to make sense of this new development when they came to the class room door.

The vile string of explicit that were come from beyond it startled her. The deep baritone betrayed the owner. Chancing a glance at Malfoy to gage his reaction she was surprised to see that he was as shocked as she was.

"I've never heard him use such language," Draco whispered upon noticing her glance. She raised a brow at him wondering what he was basing this statement on. "Father used to be like this after a summonsing." He continued with furrowed brow, she was sure that he hadn't meant for her to hear that.  
"Well, no point in delaying the inevitable," she sighed, reaching for the latch and opening the door only to be greeted by a wall of the tinny harts that had truly seemed to take over the class room. Funny the way they just floated their within the door way. She could beryl make out the forms of Snape and what appeared to be Flitwick in the middle of the room.

"But it must be one of the students," Snape snarled in exasperation as he cast Incendio at of the floating hearts only to have it split into two new ones. "No death eater worth his salt would stoop to this; they would simply kill me and be done with it."

"And I'm telling you Severus that I have never seen _anything_ like _this_ before in all my years," the tiny professor squeaked. Apparently neither of them had noticed the new arrivals. "Nor has the Headmaster. Who ever came up with these charms was obviously a master, not even Miss. Granger is capable of something this complex."

"I shall take exemption to that Professor." Hermine said plunging into the swarm; she could fell Malfoy fallowing her. "I shall have you know that I can accomplish anything I set my mind to sir."

"Is that so Miss Granger." Snape responded with a calculating glint in his eyes. For a moment she feared she had reviled her self as the culprit but the snarkey professor quickly put an end to that. "In that case Professor Flitwick may leave and your and Mr Malfoy's task shall be to remove this mess form my class room, and I do mean all of it."

Malofy groaned behind her.

"Now really Severus surly you can't expect students to accomplish that which fully trained Professors can't." Flitwick admonished.

Hermine hardly heard any of it as she wondered how she would get out of this mess. She could of course use the counter charm, she had created one, but that would undoubtedly give her away. Wait a minute he had not asked her to destroy or even dispose of them—something she well knew could not be done—but simply to remove them.

"Of course" she whispered as the perfect solution hit her. Noticing the stairs being sent her way by the three, now silent, men she began to explain.

"They can not be destroyed, as you demonstrated a moment ago Professor Snape." She pointed out, to which he snorted. "And Professor Flitwick has obviously been unable to find a counter charm or hex that would eliminate them." Hear she reached out and plucked one of the hearts from the air only to halve it split in two, each half forming another heart albeit slower than when Snape had blasted it with his wand. "I can only concluded by the number of hearts now present that any magic you have thus far tried on the valentine has had the same results as this morning."

"Yes, yes, Miss Granger your powers of deduction are surly wondrous'. Perhaps you can even use them to tell us something we don't already know." Snape mocked causing Malfoy to chuckle beside her. Frowning she continued.

"But they can be contained." She stated with finality. "Any magic directed at the valentine itself causes it to produce the smaller harts. Likewise touching or magic directed at one of these causes a hydra effect and two harts replace the original one." She stated. "Yet the containment spell that has been cast on this room has not affected them in such a way. Therefore we simply contain them in a smaller area."

"And how are we suppose to do that with out causing them to continue multiplying" asked a genuinely interested Draco.

"Well a portkey transports items that touch it to a pre-designate location. It dose this not by directing magic at the item to be transported but by creating a filed around it. Just as the containment filed is surrounding the room." Hermine explained while gathering four quills from her bag and transfigured them into two large pickle jars and a set of butterfly nets in the two house colors. "Getting the harts to actually touch the portkey could be a problem unless you limit the area in which they have to move and thus force contact."

"I don't understand dear," Flitwick said, looking with inquiry at the net in her hands. Seeing the similar look worn by Malfoy and cold indifference on that of her potions Professor she demonstrated by swing the net around a cluster of three hearts. Settling into the back of the net for a moment before vanishing and reappear in one of the jars while the number three appeared on its surface.

"I received a butterfly net from father on my tenth birthday, which is where I got the idea." Hermine supplied. Her smile faded as she continued, "he use to take me to the countryside on weekends."

"As interesting as all of this is, Miss Granger, perhaps you could stop showing off and get on with it." Snape said coldly with total disinterest. Flushing Hermine turned from them and began catching the colorful hearts. "Well what are you waiting for Mr Malfoy, an engraved invitation, begin."

"Yes, Professor Snape." He muttered while retrieving the green and silver net from the desk. Then she could hear footsteps as the professors exited the room behind her.

"Really Severus, was it necessary to treat the girl so harshly?" could be heard just before the door clicked shut.

Hermine could still fell eyes on her as she continued with her task, much to her annoyance. Fed up she turned to find one Draco Malfoy staring at her with a calculated look she did not trust. Frowning she cocked a brow at the blond ferret in challenge she was most shocked as he smirked at her and began to employ his new net.

"Want to make this interesting Granger" he quipped as she to returned to the task.  
"What did you have in mind Malfoy." She resorted coolly.

"A Galleon to the one who catches the most of these annoying little buggers." He said in an offhand manner.

"Is that all, I must have heard wrong I thought you said interesting." She shot back turning to face him.

"What did you have in mind?" He asked, obviously intrigued. She thought for a moment before responding.

"The Galleon is a nice start but how about the loser must propose to the winners head of house in front of the great hall at breakfast." She offered, then watched his eyes widen as he contemplated this suggestion, obviously weighing the pros and cons before smirking in a devilish manner.

"You're on Granger." He said extending his hand to her. Hermine looked at the proffered hand for a moment before accepting it. She was only half startled when he pulled her body close to his own as he continued, quite suggestively. "You know Granger this could be the begging of an interesting relationship."

"In your dreams Malfoy," she smirked pulling her hand form his and began sweeping her net through the air. "Though a truce would be acceptable."

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Thanks to all who reviewed, your comments were wonderful.

As of this chapter we are on to Amanda list of 404 ways to piss off Snape (see first entree); it is rather hard to think up a good idea that isn't already on this list as it is rather complete.

As to Malfoy, let it be known that I both hate and love his charter in the works by Rowling as he could quite easily become evil like his father yet is young enough to fallow in Snapes footsteps and come to the side of light. The same could be said for Potter though. In this story he chose to fallow Snape and his parents were either killed, imprisoned or are on the run and are generally out of the picture. Snape will either be his Godfather or legally responsible for him in some way.

2,562 words


	5. Chapter 4: A Weekend To Remember

1HOW TO GET A POTIONS MASTER By Tanit

Chapter 4: A Weekend To Remember

**  
149. Subscribe to unlikely magazines in his name.**

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

What in the name of Merlin was happening to his life Snape wondered after dismissing the students from detention? After the fall of the Dark Lord life was suppose to improve, wasn't it? Sure he had received an order of Merlin, first class. After his role as spy had come to light he had become a hero of sorts, complete with droves of mindless adoring females begging to share his bed. It made him sick, not that this had stopped him from bedding quite a few of them. He was a man with need after all but he was also a gentlemen.

Each of the ladies—and he used the word quite loosely at that—was treated to dinner, a dose of contraceptive/anti sexual virus potion from his own stores whether they knew it or not, a night in his bed and a parting gift of bubble bath he had created for them and kept in large supply. He would never kiss and tell and had acquired a reputation as quite a ladies man in the few short months before the school year had started. Perhaps his tormentor was among one of these, it would explain the nature his humiliation.

As of next year he would even have the long coveted DADA position as Dumbledore had decided on one of the current seventh years to take his place though he refused to say which. Snape knew it would either be Granger or Malfoy as they were the only two with the shear natural talent it would require. That he would have to give up his summer holiday to train an apprentice was a small price to pay.

Yet rather than coming up roses, as they say, he seemed to be stuck in a living hell. First he had found himself hard pressed to keep his mind on task whenever a particular Gryffindor was present. The doll in the great hall had shocked, annoyed and aroused him to no end and he had not yet been allowed to hear the end of it with certain of his so called colleges. To have that fallowed by an outrageous roomer that Draco 'liked' him in a less than platonic way was unsettling.

He could hardly admit to himself how close the Valentine had come to pushed him over the edge; the little cunt mouthing off to him was the only thing that had stopped him hexing Malfoy into next week. He had at that moment thought of better thing for her mouth to be doing and the image of her tied spread eagle on his desk as he pounded onto her had flashed through his mind. It had taken him several minutes and a great deal of will power before he regained control of his senses and put the death eater back in his mental chains.

Not that this was the first time he had lusted after one of his students mind you. Nor did he have any particular aversion to properly bedding one of legal age. And if it was not for his impending promotion he would have done so by now. The one thing he knew for sure was that should Albus pick Granger as his apprentice he would not make it one day before tying her to his bed and ravaging her repeatedly. Since he was being honest with himself he may as well admit that as soon as she took her NEWT's all beats were off.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Two mornings latter found a rather eager Hermione sitting at the Gryffindor table. She had generously allowed Malfoy until Saturday to fulfill the last part of the beat so that McGonagalls ire would have time to cool before he had to attend a class with her. As the rest of the student body filed into the room she wondered whether or not she might need professional help to sort out her issues. Lusting after an anti-social misfit was bad enough but to actively attempt to piss off one of the top three most powerful wizards, and the one who was known for his bad disposition, defiantly screamed physiatrics ward.

On the plus side Malfoy had offered her a truce after all these years and though she was still weary of this sudden change in the boy she had tacitly accepted. They had conversed on various subjects while the Professor was absent and appeared to have a great deal in common. He had even expressed an interest in certain muggle devices and concepts; she had been careful to answer his questions simply and directly so as not to scare him off.

Bang.  
The great doors were thrown open with force effectively breaking her train of thought. She allowed her attention to be drawn to them as one Draco Malfoy strode into the surprisingly full hall dressed in tight gray wool trousers, a loose cream button up of what appeared to be silk and fine dragon hide boots. He had left the top buttons undone, tussled his hair a bit and carried a dozen blood red long stem roses in one hand. She had to admit that the boy looked good as he made his way to and then behind the high table amidst the whispered mummers of his pears. Approaching McGonagall he sat the rose on her plate and raising her hand to his lips dropped to one knee.

"Forgive me dear lady but I can no longer contain this love for you that I have struggled with since first we meet and shall likely ever continue. I know that it is improper to speak such words to one above me in social standing as thou are and that mockery for reviling the truth will fallow but I can not contain that which is with in me and beg that you would consider granting to me the honor of your hand in marriage." Draco stated in an impassioned tone while continuing to clasp her wand hand and gazing deep into McGonagall eyes.

It was the Headmaster who started to quietly chuckle first at the obvious embarrassment of the Transfiguration Professor and was soon joined by Hooch, Sprout and a good portion of the student body. Snape sat smirking at the end of the table, obviously enjoying himself while the rest of the room's occupants were watching in complete bewilderment.

"Really Mr Malfoy..." the professor started indigent that one of her pupils should treat her in such a manner only to be cut off by the young wooer.  
"Speak no words dear hart for I have always known this mission to be folly." He said while woefully gazing into her tight lipped face. "For though I would have you in my life and bed your happiness out weighs my humble desires; and should your happiness, as I fear in heart it shall, require that I give you to another than I will do so." He stood with an air of resolve; still clasping her hand with in his own while his other sat beneath her chin and raised her face to his. He then spoke with such convection that Hermione nearly believed him as well he continued. "But know this good lady that was I but a score older I would dismember the unworthy cad and claim you for my own in _every_ way imaginable."

At this McGonagall actually blushed and Malfoy, removing his hands from her person, marched back past the shocked and amused professors and up to a stunned Hagrid.

"Should you ever hurt this goddess sir, be it her body or heart than know this, I will have your hide." Draco stated in a strong tone and Hagrid in a state of utter shock and most likely unable to speak nodded his compliance. Turning, Malfoy cast one last longing look at the object of his _desire_ before marching form the hall amidst a sea of swooning females to prepare for the seasons first Quidditch match.

The ensuing silence was disturbed by a sound that had never before been heard within Hogwarts hallowed halls, causing a great swell of fear amongst the majority of its occupants yet also stirring a deep if not disturbed arousal in more than one of its females for it was broken by the sound of Professor Snapes deep trembling laughter.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Snape sat at high table Monday morning sipping his tea and attempting to drown out the nose caused by the mass of dunderheads before him. The cause of McGonagall humiliation Saturday morning had become common knowledge by this time and he was shifting between amusement that goodie-to-shoe Granger would come up with such a beat and rage that Draco had lost, effectively removing another opportunity for him to put the pompous little know-it-all in her place.

That McGonagall had seemed rather cold to any news of Granger in this morning's staff meeting was of little surprise, the woman had all but demanded that Severus supervise the full two weeks of detention she had earned. Add that to the fact that Slytherin had triumphed over Ravenclaw in the weekends match and it was nearly enough to make the dour man smile, not that he would of course.

It was with his mind thus occupied that he didn't notice the morning post filtering into the room above him. The loud thud of a large plain brown package landing on his plate was enough to dampen his joyful mood as well as draw the attention of those setting near him.

Drawing his wand Snape ran a few diagnostic spells over it and, upon detecting a lack of all but the standard weightless charm and one to prevent damage, 'to prevent me from incinerating them' he thought. Picking it up the paper once again fell away reviling a variety of what could only be described as _adult_ publication if the scantily clad women on the front covers were anything to judge by. Titles like Bubble, Bubble, Playwizard, and Broomsticks flashing back at him. The fact that the latter of them claimed to contain samples of polish only seemed to confirm it.

Hearing what could only be described as girly giggles coming form the charms professor on his left Snape had little doubt that the nature these publications would be spread around the staff before lunch. Glaring at the shorter man he realized several of the students were watching him as well. Draco and a few other seventh years wore a look the bespoke recognition of what he had received. Fixing a look of utter disdain on his face while gathering up the publications and crammed them into the inner pocket of his robes for latter disposal he retreated to his dungeons hopping their would be time to stop in his quarters before the day's first lesson.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Hermione once again found herself encased in the recess of the library pretending to study for the up coming exams before detention. In truth she was logging the days progress and attempting to create a rather advance spell. She had to admit revenge was rather liberating and by far more challenging; maybe that was why Slytherins were always engaging in it. She was packing up when she heard voices behind the stack nearest to her.

"Did you see what was on Snaps desk this morning;" said the first voice. Hermione decided that it belonged to one of the lower classmen boys but she couldn't place who.

"I'm telling you they were just like my older brothers," said another. "You know the ones he keeps hidden between the mattresses."

"That is just disturbing," said a third. "Isn't it against the rules to have that stuff around young _impressionable_ kids?"

"Think he took them form some one then?" asked the first again.

"Tom swears he got them in the morning post," the second resorted. "One would think with all the women throwing themselves at him he wouldn't need such things." He continued.

"And how is he suppose to get one of them in the school," the first quipped. "Dumbledore would never allow it."

"Found it," chimed the third fallowed by the sound of a tome being removed from its resting place.

Waiting until the voices had died down a grinning Hermione made her way out of the library. She was glad she wouldn't have to do any thing for word of Snaps new literature to spread amongst the students. Racing down the halls she arrived at the class room door just before eight-o-clock, extremely glad she had put her hair in a french plaited earlier, she knocked and waited for the call to enter. And waited some more. He was late, most likely held up with house duties she decided letting herself into the class room to wait for him.

Sitting in her desk she pulled out a text she had taken form the restricted section and became absorbed in it. The slamming of the door behind her announced the arrival of the potions master, she didn't even flinch. Within moments his shadow had fallen over her as he stood before her desk, she could almost fell the sneer marring his features.

"Good evening Professor" she said while calmly marking her place and slipping the book back into her bag before looking up boldly at him. It only took her a moment to notice his cheeks pink hue or the way his damp, clean hair clung to his cheeks. "I hope nothing serious has happened in Slytherin." He had obviously just come from the shower and they both knew it.

"That would be none of your concern Miss. Granger" he spat at her with narrowed eyes. "Now if you are quite done wasting my time you shall be scrubbing the tables that you and your class mates shall undoable spoil with your carelessness next lesson."

Turning sharply he stocked to his desk at the side of the room and removed a stack of parchment for marking. Ducked her head Hermione drew her wand as she prepared to transfigure a proper bucket, brush and a set of yellow rubber gloves from the many pebbles kept in her pocket when she felt his breath braking across her ear.

"I should hardly need to remind you that this task is to be completed manually, Miss Granger." he hissed. He was standing so close that she could fell the heat of his body through her robes. Turning to him she locked eyes before waving her wand so that her supplies lay on the desk before them.

"Of course not Professor," she breathed softly while holding his gaze with her own. "Would you mind if I remove my outer robes while I work Sir."

"By all means," he responded before returning to his own task and attempting to ignore her for the rest of the evening.

Glancing up nearly an hour latter Snape nearly fell out of his chair at the site before him. Her back was to him and the uniform she wore was obviously too small, the hem of her gray tartan school skirt was resting just above mid-thigh, showing off her nicely shaped legs. The white blouse had been soaked through he noted as she moved to the next table, giving him a clear view of her cleavage and soft pink corset she worn beneath it. Correcting forgotten, he was having a hard time controlling himself as images of all the things he could do to that body flashed through his mind.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Meanwhile in another part of the castle Harry and Ron sat secluded form their fellows engaged deep in conversation. The topic surprisingly enough was not Quidditch, nor was it girls. No these two, being the hero seeking junkies that seven years of fighting Voldemort had made them, had settled on the topic of the odd behavior of their other best friend (who in spite of appearances was obviously not a 'girl') and wondering if they could be of assistance.

"I'm telling you she has met someone Harry," Ron said. He had a determined glint in his blue eyes that his companion recognized far too well for his liking.

"Surly she would tell us if it was that Ron," Harry responded exasperated. Honestly if Ron hadn't gotten over her by now than he never would. He had asked her out several times last year and Hermione had finally sat him down and explained that she thought of him and Harry as the brothers and she wouldn't want to jeopardize that by dating either of them. "And even if it is, she will tell us when she is ready to."

"Not if she thinks we won't approve of them," the red head said darkly. "Not if it were a Slytherin."

Harry had to admit that it made since, in a twisted sort of way. 'Surly she knows that they would support her no matter what, doesn't she? Unless it was someone that she knew they didn't like, some one like Malfoy.' Harry shuttered at the thought and looking at Ron realized he had reached the same conclusion.

"You don't think he put her under a spell or something, do you Harry?"

"I'm not sure Ron," the black haired boy answered. "I think that Poppy would have noticed when she went in for her checkup. Maybe she's just going through a rebellious streak mate."

"Could be. Perhaps if we let her know we won't be mad or abandon her than she'll tell us," said Ron looking more hopeful with the thought. "Maybe it will even help her get over him."

"Perhaps Ron," Harry said with a soft smile. "I suppose it can't hurt things."

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Thank you for the reviews. I am extremely grateful for the feed back that you have been giving me. I hope the spelling is improving—I have been checking nearly every thing and my beta works extremely hard.

'Witch(s) Weekly' has been used in many other ff stories—I am not aware of who originally coined it—as a beauty magazine for female witches. I thought it could imply a different pinup for each week, appearing only once that week had been reached.—Having been informed the it was coined by none other than JRK I have removed it from this chapter and replaced it with Playwizard (a commonly used title that is now also an adult website).

I know, I know, not much hear but I thought we could embarrass some of the others for one chapter, I wanted some plot development and Draco needed to prove that he wasn't among the villains in this story. I am not yet sure if he will play any further part in this story at this time.

I am going to have Hermione doing some more reviling things—Snape will know or at least suspect who is responsible—after the next chapter.

The next chapter was suppose to be a part of this one but is ran away with itself and was thus made into its own. This chapter was already six pages without it so I cut it in half.

2,937 words


	6. Chapter 5: A Clue My Dear Watson

1HOW TO GET A POTIONS MASTER By Tanit

Chapter 5: A Clue My Dear Watson

**279. Owl him (anonymously) random articles from a Muggle publication known as 'The  
Enquirer' Attach notes to them stating that he should 'study these carefully. They  
contain clues.' (Shall be using Weekly World News articles)**

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

She couldn't believe her luck. She had realized that her boys would corner her sooner or latter to question her about her unusual moods. Had even hoped that they would put there new sitting arrangement together with the package delivered to the hated professor two weeks ago, but alas they hadn't. Not that she was surprised of course.

Yet being trapped in a high back chair in the middle of the deserted commons room listening to them prattling on about it being alright and natural for her to develop interest in a boy, and Draco Malfoy to boot, reassuring that they would not abandon her was almost worth missing the look on Severus's face when he opened his letter at breakfast. Almost. She glared in a manner that would have made Snape proud, effectively silencing the two young men in front of her.

"Harry, Ron." She began in a stern tone, wishing there was a way she could put this off till latter. Deciding there wasn't she smiled wanly at them and decided to get this over with as swiftly as possible before continuing. "I am only going to say this once so listen well. I never have and never will have romantic desires for Draco Malfoy." She could actually see the relief that washed over them as her words sunk in. Holding up her hand she cut off Ron who had begun to speak she continued.

"I also appreciate the fact that you would not abandon me over such a trivial matter as house. Especially considering the fact that no one, not even the great Harry Potter can control who they fall in love with." she said mockingly and was glad when they began to grin. "And that while I have developed an interest for a man from Slytherin house, I am not yet ready to tell anyone who he is. And when I do want to talk about it you will be the first ones I come to alright." She added to head off the stream of questions that she knew would fallow. As the weight of her words sank in she could see the determined and calculating look come into their eyes and realized two things; it was to much to expect them to respect her privacy and that she would need to watch her step from hear on in.

"Now if you don't mind could we go down to breakfast." she asked imploringly. Standing she lead them from the commons room in the vain hope that she would get to see Snapes reaction to the mornings delivery.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Severus sat groggily at the high table. It had been a long night with not nearly enough rest. He had spent at least an hour last night watching the Granger girl from behind his hair with an extremely painful boner. He had nearly dismissing the wench early.

Had it been the weekend he would have gone to Knockturn ally for some much needed relief but duty dictated that he remain on school grounds, he had nearly stooped to using that bloody moaning doll. It had taken him an hour to realize that the bloody thing couldn't be destroyed after receiving it and nearly three days to figure out how to deflate it; now it sat in the top of his wardrobe mocking him. As it was he had made good use of those dame periodicals he had been subscribed to and still only managed to get a couple of hours sleep, thank Merlin he hadn't burned them yet.

Watching owls filling in to the upper recesses of the hall Snape nearly groaned as one of the bird approach him that morning; he was not in the mood for this. The fact that it was carrying an envelope rather than a package brought him little comfort and he wondered if the headmaster would be upset if he hexed the thing but decided not to risk it. 'At least it didn't look like a bloody howler' he thought as it dropped to his plate.

Sighing he ran the usually checks before touching it only to discover a rather unusual spell placed upon it that was rather like that of a howler on time delay, though for how long he couldn't begin to guess. Examining the seal in the vain hope of recognizing it the line symbols for earth, air, fire and water composed in the form of a square stared back at him, nothing. 'Dimmit, the vultures were already hovering' he noted as the rest of the staff attempted to cast covert glances at him, he snorted.

Not wishing to tempt fate Severus took a sip of his tea before opening the parcel and extracted four folded sheets of parchment, the first having obviously been written with a dicro-quill.

Professor Severus  
Having noted your interest in dark arts/beast over the years I  
have taken the liberty of collecting various informative sources  
that are not available in the Hogwarts library. Also included  
is some information that could be helpful in locating one of  
those rare potions ingredients you are always noting your  
student's wastefulness of. I shall be sure to send you  
additional information as it becomes available.  
My Highest Regards

The fallowing sheets contained newspaper clippings that were so outrageously inept that they he was shocked even ignorant muggles would write or read them. That anyone would lower them selves to calling them _source_ of information, let alone expect him to refer to them was ridicules.

Setting down his steaming mug he began to read them becoming so engrossed with rage that he failed to note the manner of looks he was receiving from those around him. The publication from which they were taken was obviously on the same level as The Quibbler if not lower. 14 GREAT WAYS TO TURN YOURSELF INTO A WEARWOLF was poppycock, and who the hell would want to be one anyway.

The fact that human flesh was being sold in London was old news; it had been so for over a hundred years though it was becoming harder to find a repitbull supplier. And Snape knew from experience that the catching of demons was nether fun or profitable as they were rarely used in any filed of magic. In fact he highly doubted that anyone less than a specially trained expert could do so safely. He shuddered at the thought of what would happen to any muggle foolish enough to actually try the plan printed hear.

Examining the parchment more closely Snape discovered a short reddish-brown strand of hair caught in the paste holding one of the clippings. Carefully reexamined the other sheets before downing the now cold tea. 'Good show old man' he thought upon spotting a small black eyelash as well. Stuffing the letter into his inner robes before standing to leave the hall, he had his first clues.

Snape was just coming to the first bend when he heard the sound of running feet coming towards it.

"...were really sorry to make you late for breakfast Herm." he wined at the whining voice of one Harry Potter as much as the horrendous name aberration.

To late to move Snape suddenly felt a warm soft body slamming into him. Grabbing it he balanced before looking down into a soft brown mass of curls that was buried in his chest as the faint sent of vanilla drifted up to his highly tuned nose. Holding tight he waited until the head tilted back reviling the warm brown eyes of his Gryffindor know-it-all pain in the arse that widened as she looking back at him.

"Professor," she nearly shrieked. "I'm sorry, sir. I didn't see you their..."

"Obviously Miss Granger," he said quietly, enjoying the pressure of her body against his own. Felling his body react he reluctantly pushed her away and releasing her while noting the prescience of her two cohorts as well and smirked. "Now let's see, ten points for running in the halls, and another five each from Misters Potter and Weasley for jeopardizing the health of a fellow student."

"What!" the boys screeched at him.

"Another five for yelling at a Professor and do close your mouth Miss Granger." He snarled with narrowed eyes before sweeping off.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Cursing himself Severus entered his dungeons. Why had he done that, surly he could have taken points off Granger as well. Though he had to admit the looks of shock had been amusing.

'Concentrate man' he thought entering his lab and depositing the envelope on the mane work table. Pulling out the required sheet he carefully removed the clues and placed each in their own vile for safe keeping before casting a species identification charm on them. Satisfied with the results he entering the storage cupboards to retrieve the needed ingredients before setting up two small cauldrons.

'Happy Christmas, indeed' he thought while slicing the Boomslang. Soon he would be able to devise and deliver the perfect punishment to whoever had decided to make his life a living hell.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Hermione was annoyed at her two friends for causing her to miss the show. She could well imagine the disgust and outrage washing over Severus' face as he read the articles. Fallowed by the triumphant gleam as he found the hair that had _accidentally_ been caught in the paste. There were only two ways to identify the source of such a clue and both were potions.

She highly doubted he would waste his time with the Polyjuice-potion when the Conspicio Vero draft was so much quicker. She only hoped the oblivious donor of said hair would not be too traumatized by the raging professor. In the meantime she was to serve her last detention with him tonight.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

The symbols from the letters seal are found in the movie 'The 5th Element' as well as in texts on symbols.

News article can be found on the web site for Weekly World News and I give all credit for them to their authors and those who published them.

Conspicioto see Verotruly—please note than I do not speak this language and do not expect my Latin (or in truth any other languages) grammar to be correct.

Chapters 4 and 5 have not been Betaed, sorry.

Including this chapter there are over 8,960 words in this story not counting the disclaimer.

1,607 words


	7. Chapter 6: Lists, Lists and more Lists

1HOW TO GET A POTIONS MASTER By Tanit

Chapter 6 Lists, Lists and more Lists

**202. Write a list of all the things you could do to him!**

**295. Leave copies of these lists lying around.**

**296. Alternatively, pin them up. Anonymously.**

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Two days before the holiday break was to begin a blizzard so fierce it effectively cut off all forms of travel and communication to and from the castle occurred. It had lasted nearly an entire week and produced over five feet of snow; The Daily Prophet would later report that its only rival had occurred in the days of Albus Dumbledore's own student career. Owls had been dispatched to parents on the first clear morning, much to the relief of the Ministries Muggle Relations department which had been flooded when children failed to appear on the set date, informing them of the situation and promised to extend the spring holiday an extra week.

Fear that nearly three hundred board, hormonal and magically gifted children could easily destroy the castle in less than a day unless properly distracted caused the staff to meet secretly the first night and come up with a pre-emptive strike against the impending disaster. Lead by McGonagall and Snape they cornered the Headmaster on the next day and demanded classes continue as normal with the exception of Christmas and Boxing Day. They also suggested an extra caroling contest on Christmas afternoon and a Boxing day dance on the twenty-sixth, both to Snape's protest, with the criteria that students under fifth year observe a 9 o'clock curfew, and weather permitting, an extra Hogsmeade weekend for _all_ the students before the Holiday proper.

Surprisingly, it had been Trelawney's prediction of utter doom rather than the impending strike that had succeeded in persuading the Headmaster's decision on the matter. The announcements at breakfast the next day had been met with groans of protest and excitement from the student body. And so it was that Hermione found herself in Charms on Monday afternoon with a reluctant Harry and a dozing Ron. She had planned to use the secluded free time to step up her plans for the dear professor and found the interruption quite off putting.

The mail flow interruption was also grating to her as she would be unable to send any more articles to Severus until it resumed. On the plus side he should have a nice large delivery of 'discreet' plain brown packages on the first day it resumed. In the meantime she would have to think of something to fill the time.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

**The Top Five Ways to Have Your Potions Professor**

1. In your mouth under the high table during the leaving feast.

2. With a feather and Paddle.

3. Chained to the walls of his beloved dungeons.

4. As an Ice-cream Sunday.

5. Bent over a cauldron and up the arse.

The List as it had become known had first appeared on the doors to the Great Hall Wednesday morning and could now be seen on nearly every door, bulletin board, satchel, and house common room announcement board—save that of Slytherin where it had wisely been charmed to look like the Quidditch practice schedule—and could be seen only by those who were sixteen years or older. Like the heart filled classroom said list seemed only to multiply once removed from its original position by the outraged, red-faced and secretly aroused Potions Master.

The majority of the student body was torn between amusement and disgust at its existence. The females from the upper classes however had been delighted when someone, rumored to be a sixth year Hufflepuff, had made their own addition to the list only to have it appear on every other copy as well within twenty-four hours. Quickly discovering that no item could be posted twice—though a tally was kept as to how many of them shared it and the list rearranged itself to put them in order of most common—the elated females expanded upon the original five items which within a week had been turned into a rather lengthy two foot memorandum on the subject with no less than one hundred and fifty positions, places, and ways to _Have_ Professor Snape much to the disgust of the school's male inhabitants.

The effect this had on Professor Snape however, was rather unexpected. Rather than punish the giggling blushing girls in his class and the corridors he ignored it and continued deducting house points as normal. At the headmaster's request he stopped handing out un-chaperoned detentions to all students, regardless of gender, lest rumor of false conquest start floating around the Hogwarts gossip mill. And lastly he began washing his hair before showing up in the great hall for supper at night, since the top fantasy seemed to revolve around washing it for him.

To make matters worse, in Snape's opinion at least, the morning after the week long storm ended he received fifteen plain brown paper packages and two letters in the great hall at breakfast that not only attracted the attention every last dunderhead in the place but also began to unwrapped themselves the moment his hand went near them. Within minutes a collection of objects that simply screamed sex and nasty sex at that lay before him consisting of two black leather whips, a black leather flogger, soft black leather cuffs with silver chains and fasteners, a gag, a set of black silk blindfolds and scarves, three flavors of _lube_, an unusual round rubber thing called a 'cock ring' (surprisingly this was black as well), and a small personal vibrator with a range of tips along with his next installment of adult publications stubbornly ignoring his mental command to incinerate.

Completely ignorant of the twitch that had developed in his left eye he scooped up the mess and stalked out of the hall muttering about vengeance and death to those responsible. His condition was not helped as waves of laughter were heard from behind the now closed double doors. Perhaps something in the water supply, he mused mincingly as he continued down to his personal quarters.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Hogsmeade would have made a fine holiday card, Hermione had thought as she approached the small village. The headmaster had Hagrid hook up the sleighs to transport the students to and from the village, lest one of the younger students become lost in the plentiful three meter drifts. The sound of carols and laughter had floated form the sleds containing the younger students when they had arrived nearly four hours ago.

She had played nice with the boys and allowed them to escort her around to the Quidditch supply shop, Honeydukes, and Zonko's until lunch. In the Three Broomsticks she had abandoned them with the pretext of requiring some 'girl' things and gone off with Hannah, Mandy, Padma, Susan, and Ginny to Mystic Maidens a store-specializing in custom feminine intimates and apparel-that no boy dared enter; if they even knew of its existence.

She was perusing their large collection of materials while the girls looked at patterns and examples when the door chimed ushering the arrival of a new customer. While examining silks a small pale hand with highly manicured nails collided with her own startling her and causing Hermione to look up into the cold dark and inquisitive eyes of Pansy Parkinson.

"Granger," she acknowledged with a nod after several minutes of intense study before returning to her perusal of silk. No malice or hatred could be detected in her voice or manners and Hermione narrowed her eyes in suspicion as she studied the girl across from her. How odd.

"Parkinson," she acknowledged in a neutral voice before returning to her own perusal of cloth. 'Perfect,' she thought as she came upon a bolt of cream colored raw spider silk. At a galleon a yard the price reflected the extreme rarity of the cloth but it would be worth it for what she was planning. Dear God it was still uncut, she would be able to take all of it.

"Good choice," Parkinson committed lightly as she watched Hermione picking it up. "Perhaps I'll have something made of it as well."

"That won't be possible, I'm afraid," Hermione responded as she caressed the bolt.

"What could you possibly have made that would require all of it," Pansy asked in an irritated manner. After Draco had told her what had happened in detention Pansy had thought that perhaps she would make a decent friend, but she was beginning to doubt it.

"It is not what I have made of it Parkinson," she stated quietly. "It is what I will be making with it."

She watched Pansy open her mouth to say something before her eyes widened as she realized the implications of such a statement and closed it with an audible snap. Smirking broadly Hermione turned and walked to the check out knowing she would always treasure the expression of complete and utter shock that had remained on the other girls face.

There were only two reasons that a witch would chose not to have her clothing professionally done the first being a lack of funding—which at a galleon a yard was not an option—and the second was that they were intended for a special ceremony. Garments or robes of this nature either had to be hand made by oneself or a female blood relative of the intended recipient or, in the case of raw silk which was only used in the most powerful and beneficial ceremonies, had to be produced by a _pure_ (one who had never know the pleasures of the flesh) witch, regardless of relation, sewn with Unicorn hair and the purest of silver needles in order to be effective. The extremely valuable—easily tripling the value of the bolt now held in Hermione's arms—nature of such a garment was known to all purebloods and even most of the muggleborns.

"Are you wishing to have something else made, Miss?" the sales woman asked snidely as she eyed the bolt of material in the young woman's arms. Everyone knew that Hermione Granger was the best friend to the boy-who-lived and his red haired sidekick and had their own opinion as to how _friendly_ the three really were. This speculation over her sexual experience was one of the few annoyances Hermione bore silently, and only out of devotion to Harry, in her entire life. She would have walked out of the store if it wasn't the only of its kind in the village.

Narrowing her eyes she suppressed a sneer that would have made Snape proud and waited for the nosey gossip to begin fidgeting. It didn't take long before a blush spread over the girl's cheeks and she placed two medium sized boxes on the counter.

"I shall just add that to your order then, Miss," she nearly stuttered out in almost a whisper as she began ringing up the purchases.

"And a box of _pure_ silver needles," Hermione added curtly before the girl could finish tallying and had the satisfaction of seeing her flinch. One last stop at the Aprophy to pick up part of the dear Professor's gift and she would be able to head back up to the school. She had heard several of the other girls giggling over their own gifts for Snape, mostly in the form of lingerie and adult toys. She, however, would be more selective—as well as practical—in her choice of gifts.

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Christmas morning found a giddy potions master lying in his enormous black draped four post bed in the Hogwarts dungeons contemplating ways to properly punish his tormenter. The Conspicio Vero draft would be finished today and he could finally put his plans for vengeance into effect; they would rue the day that they had decided to fuck with him. Yawning he sat up and folded back the soft cotton sheets, quilts and feather duvet that covered him and pulled down his gray night shirt while reaching for the cord that would open the heavy drapery that surrounded him.

A stack of at least sixty brightly colored—and mostly unsigned—packages cluttering the floor at the foot of his bed nearly caused him to scream. 'Bloody Merlin I'm going to die' he thought while sliding away from the colorful explosion that was barring his door. 'Wand, wand, definitely need my wand,' kept running through his mind as he frantically searched the bedside table. Locating the vital instrument he began casting detections spells at the threatening holiday mess that had invaded his quarters.

There were no less than thirty pitiful attempts at lust spells and twelve trigger released cheering charms had been placed on his _gifts_. Disarming them he swung his legs over the side of the bed and carefully slid his feet into the purple carpet slippers that he had received from Dumbledore two years ago. Quickly, shuffling to his in suite bath to get ready for the day, he desperately prayed to all the gods and goddesses that the nightmarish sight would be gone when he was done.

Contrary to popular belief Snape was meticulous in his personal hygiene, which would be common knowledge were it not for the complex and expensive protective grease he used to prevent the constant exposure to fumes from damaging his liver. Now, fear of being mobbed by hormonal witches with substandard cleaning products caused him to use twice as much of it as he made sure to shower before dinner. 'Not even the combined efforts of Dumbledore and Voldemort could be this sadistic,' he decided leaving the bath and toweling off.

Wrapped in his soft, black terrycloth robe a squeaky clean and freshly shaven Severus took a deep breath to steady his nerves before opening the door to his bedroom. 'Damn,' he thought, seeing that nothing had changed. Heaving a sigh of resentment he approached the small mound of gifts and began casting opening charms at them.

'So much for an enjoyable Christmas' he thought as a variety of fetish friendly products appeared before him, which he directed to a pile in the far corner. He was getting close to the bottom when a medium-sized black box tied with a cream bow caught his eye. 'What in name of Merlin…?' he wondered stopping to pick up the satin smooth beautifully carved stained wood box from the floor. Setting it on the bed he finished with the rest of the gifts and dressing before turning to his prize.

Untying the silk ribbon he lifted the lid to revile a small standard issue cobra blue bottle nestled in black velvet and a slip of folded parchment that simply read _For one who will truly value it,_ in the same script that had littered each of his deliveries. Lifting the vile for further examination he opened the stopper to smell the contents. A sweet copper tang filled his nose and he quickly cast an identification charm to affirm the growing suspicion. 3 oz Virgin's Blood.

He couldn't believe that anyone would willingly give him such a gift even if it was only honorary. Replacing the bottle he secured the box lid firmly before solemnly carrying it through his sitting room and to a small oak cabinet that hung on the east wall of his personal lab. Placing it on the top shelf right next to the vile of Phoenix tears the shocked professor closed the wooden door and placed extra wards before stumbling back to the worn velvet covered wing backed chair in front of the glowing hearth.

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The purple carpet slippers are from another fic, on Whispers I think, and I fully give credit to their original user/creator.

2,629 words in this chapter


	8. Chapter 7: Of Shrines, Voodoo & New Year

1HOW TO GET A POTIONS MASTER By Tanit

**Chapter 7: Of Shrines, Voodoo & New Year Resolutions**

**363. Change the house-shield badge on your robes to a small picture of him. Tap it and smile at him when you see him.** (Do this to all the students you can, regardless of house, and if confronted act as if you have no idea what he is talking about.)  
**153. Set up a shrine to him. Somewhere very public.**

**12. Make a voodoo doll of Harry Potter. Push pins into it in class and smile knowingly at Snape. **(Put on shrine, preferably with doll in his likeness gloating over it. Bonus points to those who make the Snape doll talk while doing so.)

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Hermione stood looking at her reflection, mesmerized by the woman staring out at her. The three hour regime it had taken her to achieve such results in fourth year had been drastically cut in half by using the personal soaps, moisturizers, shampoo and conditioner she had developed at the end of her sixth year for her special potions project. A project that had been sneered at by her professor, jeered by the Slytherins, and openly insulted by the schools remaining female populace.

She had carefully formulated her recipes to subtly include a variation of an effective healing/scar reducing potion and a modified form of the pre-natal nutrient potion that allowed the nutrients to be absorbed through the skin. She had then scented the products with honey and vanilla as well as given them a cream base while keeping the stability and potency of the included potions. Snape had grudgingly given her top marks and discreetly passed her instructions on how to patent her formulas.

While her hair was not as straight as Sleekies would have made it, it was only half as bushy and she had been able to smooth the curls into a semblance of ringlets that had been piled loosely on top of her head. She had moist pale pink lips thanks to a clear gloss and had placed an enhancing coat of mascara on her lashes. She now stood in butter-soft black cotton knickers and bra, suspenders holding up seemed black silk stockings, sturdy black two inch hills with ankle straps and a black ribbon about her throat.

As the ball had been a last minute addition to the year's criteria dress robes were not required and she had decided on a royal purple silk frock with thick shoulder straps, an empire waste and a flowing skirt that just brushed the floor that had been hiding in the back of her bureau was now hanging near the mirror. And two bloody hours until dinner to kill. Sighing, Hermione wrapped a thick terrycloth robe around herself and sat down to read one of her new books in front of the fire.

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'The little bent's' Severus fumed as he dressed for the bloody dance. While he did not know which of the cunts was behind his recent humiliation having the filed of suspects narrowed down from the entire wizerding populous to two seventh year students was a definite improvement. Lisa Trupin, a seventh year Ravenclaw, and Hermione bloody Granger.

Now that he had narrowed it down to whom he only needed the why behind the pranks. Under other circumstances revenge would have been the obvious answer; however given the nature of the pranks and gift he had received this morning he couldn't help but feel that it would be some what inaccurate in this instance. He could almost believe that the culprit had a crush on him. The thought caused him to shudder with a mixture of disgust and arousal.

"By Merlin, let it be Granger," he whispered to no one in particular as he finished buttoning his double breasted black velvet waistcoat with small silver snakes withering on the hems. Tonight each of these girls would receive a large dose of his _personal attentions_ in the hopes of sniffing them out as it were. Forgoing his coat he slipped on his outer robes before leaving for the Great Hall.

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"Blimey Granger," Draco drawl with a slight sneer in annoyance at the admittedly charming female in front of him while standing in the head girl doorway. Though she had straitened her hair as in fourth year Granger had obviously put some effort into her appearance. The horrendous robe she was wrapped in could not disguise the whispers of silk caused by her movement. "Geroff you high horse and let me escort you to the bloody dance."

"Listen Malfoy, I am not interested in having any sort of romantic engagement with any boy in this school. Yourself included." Hermione stated firmly.

"Well you bloody well can't go alone you know," the blond spat in frustration.

"Says who," she quipped. "No let me guess it's in the Pureblooded's Guide to Snobbery. Thank goodness I'm simply a lowly mudblood and can therefore go stag if I wish to."

"We are the fucking student host for this ruddy thing, we have to open the dance with each other, so why the bloody hell are you making this difficult," he asked exasperated with her stubbornness. "As you pointed out it's not as if you're trying to impress any one after all."

It took every ounce of self-control not to shout at the boy in righteous indignation. 'That is not what I said' she thought hostilely while glaring at the Slytherin prince.

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'Bloody light' Severus thought as the sun peeked in through the long narrow window that ran along one of the sitting room walls. Raising from his favorite chair in the sitting room his knees creaked in protest at the movement and his spine popped back into place. Growling he groped his way to the potions cabinet in the loo and downed a hydrating potion before evaluating himself in the muggle mirror.

To say he looked like death warmed over would have been an understatement. His hair was snarled, his beard was coming in, he trousers were missing and the front of his boxers and shirt were stiff as he had obviously wanked himself in his inebriated state. Given the way Hermione had been behaving last night however it was hardly surprising.

The girl had been in a simple dress of deep purple with a scooping v-neckline that hinted at the perfect breast just out of eyesight. It had clung to her curves as she swayed her hips, turning in his arms as they glided across the floor. She had snuck glances at him the entire time as if she were not use to receiving such attentions; at least she hadn't fainted like the Trupin girl when he offered her a glass of punch.

Granger has reeked of innocence and he had been literally hard pressed not to fuck her on the front daisy. After the dance he had cast a spell over the Slytherin dorms that would encourage the students to stay in bed before retreating to his rooms and searching for the three bottles of Scottish Whisky Menerva had taken to giving him on his birthdays. That he had indulged in alcohol at all was a rarity not because he couldn't hold his liquor mind but a direct result of often seeing his so called muggle of a Father beating his Mum in a drunken rage as a child.

Stepping into his shower he began to examine the previous night's events from a more logical viewpoint that would help him figure out which of the little bitches he would be punishing in the near future.

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The shrine had been under construction in the corner of Hermione's head girl rooms for the past fortnight. Upon completion she had placed over a dozen charms that would prevent the removal or alteration of her arrangement before shrinking it down and re-enlarging it in the castles main entrance between the front doors and those leading to the great hall. She'd had to _barrow_ Harry's invisibility cloak to do it safely but it had been worth it.

She had included not only a dazzling array of photos of her subject but a list of every book he had checked out from the library in the past ten years, one of his teaching robes from the laundry and even a lock of his hair that had been lovingly encased in crystal heart paper weight. The crowing achievement however was the scale model of the potions classroom that included realistic voodoo dolls of the Potions Master gloating over the prone needle jabbed form of Harry Potter.

The populace of Hogworts had reacted as she had come to suspect—girls swooned, boys scoffed, and the professors chuckled. Save for one Severus Snape who had blinkingly gaped for a few minutes before clamping his jaw shut and firing off a round of hex's bent upon destroying the abomination. That no one saw the smile he had fought back or noticed that there was no passion behind his spells was quite fine with him.

Severus was immensely grateful that none heard the quiet frustrated sigh that issued from his pursed lips when he was unable to add a strategically placed pin to voodoo Potters groin. The faltered steep as he began to stride away however was not overlooked by those around him and caused whispers as he all but ran to his dungeons.

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Hermione was worried. Professor Snape had been dodging her steps like a second shadow for the past three days. She could simply be over reacting; his normal behavior hadn't deviated in the slightest so it was probably a simple coincidence that he seemed to be fallowing her everywhere.

'What if he knows' nagged the little voice of self preservation in the back of her mind left over from a childhood of hiding the powers her parents assured her were nothing but her imagination.

'Impossible, I was extremely careful' argued the logical voice that reminded her of her mum.

'And you actually think you could pull one over on Severus-the Head of Slytherin-consimit spy-paranoid-Snape'

"Good evening Miss Granger," Snaps silky baritone slid down Grangers spine causing her to start.

"Professor" Hermione yelped while nearly dropping her armload of books.

(What should happen next?)

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Alright I have writers block & am looking for seductions. I fully intend to wrap this story up in no more than three more chapters—would prefer it to be only two—but I am in need of help of how to move on from this point so if you want to help contact me via the private massager.

I have about 1779 words so far.


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